THERAPY FOR COUPLES

To feel safe in the arms of another is a fundamental human desire

You love each other. That’s why you’re here. Even with all that love, though, your relationship is a mess. You’re not happy. Your partner isn’t happy. You can’t talk about who should take out the garbage, let alone pay the bills or initiate sex without you both feeling more alone, angry and disconnected.

Let’s say it starts with the milk…

A simple disagreement about who forgot to buy the milk that should have been resolved in minutes, turns into a massive fight. Devastating accusations are hurled back and forth. You’re both left wounded and hurting, carrying around an ache inside that sometimes feels like pain but can also morph into anger and resentment.

You retreat to your corners to lick your wounds – eating a pint of ice cream and binge-watching Netflix, pouring another drink, numbing out by spending hours on social media, the news or on-line shopping, retreating into work, isolating, looking for love in other places. It’s our attempt to soothe the ache, to feel better. Because, let’s face it, on the inside we are caving in. This negative cycle we are in is crippling; our relationship feels doomed.

All relationships have cycles

When couples fall into repetitive negative patterns of arguing, it’s most often the result of not feeling safe and secure in the relationship. Something one partner does or doesn’t do triggers the other.

It might look like this:

– Honey, did you remember to pick up the milk on your way home from work like I asked?

– Oh, shoot! I completely forgot.

Depending on how we are feeling that day, how safe and secure in our attachment, this might not feel very good. We might think:

“If you really cared about me and thought about me as much as I thought about you, you would have remembered. Your forgetting the milk means you forget about me.”

The partner who forgot the milk might think:

“I was in such a hurry to get home and see you (and the kids). It was such a long day. I couldn’t wait to get home. If you really loved me, you would forgive me. You would see how hard I am working and know that it was a simple mistake.”

But if we are tired or hungry or overwhelmed and we get triggered, we react automatically. It doesn’t feel safe to express those deeper feelings, so a familiar and repetitive fight ensues. The cycle begins. Here we go again.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone! All relationships have cycles. It becomes a problem when our cycle starts running the show. Like with all things, the more we practice it, the “better” it gets. It gains power and momentum, becomes habitual. The cycle takes on a life of its own and begins to dominate our interactions. When this happens, it can cause tremendous pain, injury and despair.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT)

Here’s the good news – Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples, or EFT, is an internationally recognized model developed by Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg whose primary focus is helping couples who are caught up in a negative interaction cycle. Rather than focusing simply on communication skills and “tools,” it goes deep, exploring and identifying the root of the issue and resolving past hurts, resentments, and misunderstandings.

Although your situation is unique, the struggle you are in is not. For most of us, our early childhood experiences of the relationship with our parents (or primary caretakers) strongly influences our expectations and behavior in our adult relationships. From that relationship we learned about what “love” meant, what was safe, what was unsafe, what to expect. If there were unmet needs or negative cycles with our parents, many of us will have difficulty with trust and expressing our deeper emotions to those who mean the most to us as adults.

Loving dialogue is healing whenever it happens.

In EFT, building “a safe haven” in your relationship is our primary goal. We will focus on the needs that aren’t being met in your relationship – to feel connected, secure and responded to. Once safety is established, you will begin to recognize and eventually express your need for love, support, protection and care that have been locked away.

With a secure connection, managing conflict and the difficult emotions that inevitably arise from time to time in a close relationship becomes easier. With less conflict, there will be less need for self-protection and defensiveness. You will be able to clearly articulate your needs and take in your partner’s perspective. You will be more equipped to problem-solve and compromise. You will find your way back to each other with deeper physical and emotional intimacy.

In other words, you can have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of – where your full self is welcome. When we feel safe in attachment, we can show up just as we are, in all our glory and imperfection, and feel secure in our connection and loved unconditionally.

The Proof is in the Pudding

Research studies show that couples receiving EFT experience sustaining results at a significantly higher rate than typical couples therapy. With over 20 years of empirical research, studies have shown that 70-75% of couples “recover” and almost 90% improve significantly.

EFT is effective for all couples, straight or LGBTQ.

Let me help you and your partner out of the cycle of pain and suffering and back into the relationship you want – one of connection, intimacy, laughter and strength. Healing your relationship is possible.